I Was a Social Media Addict
Regrets and Reflections: Impact of Social Media Addiction on Parenting
I have many regrets for being a social media Addict. One of the biggest one is that I missed out my kid’s formative years by being a social media addict. The second big one is that by the time I realised this, I had caused considerable damage to my kid’s psychological and physical health.
The second realisation came with a jolt, a wake up call in the form of my child falling seriously ill. The realisation that I was a social media junkie came slowly and it took me some time to accept this self destroying self hating deeply hurtful truth and start my long and hard journey to recovery and rediscovering my true self.
The truest form of which is being the best possible mother to my wonderful and amazing child and help her grow into a genuine and authentic person, instead of someone without identity or self worth, who only lives a life to please and impress others instead of being her own true self and live to the best of her potentials.
Why did I became a social media junkie? There is no easy answer. If I try to look back at my younger self for self analysis, it gets complicated. Self loathing hits hard. I find it fascinating and soul crushing at the same time.
That version of me who was a mid twenties young mother who used to spend hours in creating narcissistic content packaged as beautiful selfies and funny clips for my many social media accounts and then obsessively checking my feeds to count the likes and read the comments and get my dopamine hits.
Then spend more hours obsessively comparing my fake happiness, even my fake sadness with the fake happiness of my friends and family and followers and whoever whose fake life I desired to have as my own.
Motherhood and Acceptance: Confronting the Consequences of Neglect in Pursuit of Likes
That comparison had made me so miserable at times that in order to prove that my fake happiness was more awesome then their fake happiness, and to prove it mostly to people whom I have hated most of my life, I have done things I am not proud of.
Things which still haunt me. Things like my young kid who didn’t get my unconditional love and undivided attention when she needed it most.
Self Discovery: Unraveling the Layers of Social Media Addiction
What was the cause of my addiction to social media? This question has bugged me for a few years now. Ever since that wake call which jolted me out of my brainwashed dopamine hypnosis, my kid’s severe illness, a blood infection which caused her debilitating headaches, I have been questioning many of my life choices and asking why, why, why?
Why did I become addicted to social media? Was it my own fault? Was it my parents’ fault that I did not feel enough self worth which would make me believe in myself and find inspiration and confidence and love inside me, instead of going out to look for it among strangers.
Why did I made myself miserable by trying to portray myself as a happy and successful individual? Why did I need validation from my peers so bad that I stole time away from my family to present a picture perfect image which in reality was as hollow as my self worth.
Seeking Validation: From Creative Dreams to Pitfalls of Online Persona
I have always had a creative streak. As a child, I dreamed of becoming an artist. What kind, I didn’t know but someone who worked with her hands and made things of beauty. A painter, a sculpture, an architect or maybe even designer of furniture. I knew I had passion, talent but didn’t have parents who would nurture those things. I never had the opportunity to pursue my dream.
A life time later, I discovered that all these little apps which helped me shoot and edit, photos and videos, were an outlet to my repressed creativity. This insight into my fascination with social media came much later. At that time, I was just another ‘user’ seeking validation of my self worth.
But I was good and created an online persona which exuded charm and magnetism. I was everywhere: Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Tiktok. You name it and I was there. I was a queen of hearts. I ruled over an empire of admirers. And the reason behind my being so good at creating that persona was my creativity.
Had I been given an opportunity to pursue a career in any creative field, my life would have been different. I would have been an artist. Now, I was just another ‘user’ who was good at creating forged happiness.
Engineered Addiction: Dark Side of Social Media and Cost of Validation
At that time I didn’t know that the global software industry has engineered the social media to be an addiction. I didn’t know that they were making trillions of dollars by sucking up the time and energy of me and billions like me. I was just another lab rat, running in pretty circles, desperate for validation.
There are parts of my memory which I am afraid to revisit. Snubbing my 4 year old is the least of those memories. Snubbing her because she wanted to be with her mother while her mother wanted to please a crowd of admirers and add more likes and comments of adoration to her many social media profiles. There were times when I yelled.
Others when I did worse. Part of it was that addiction to social media that forced me to put out more selfies and videos so I could have more likes, more hearts emojis, more comments flattering me on my objectification of myself. And each like, heart and comment giving me that dopamine kick which fed my addiction and made me feel good about myself.
The Wake-up Call: My Child’s Illness As a Catalyst for Change
This illusion shattered when my kid fell sick. The diagnosis was blood infection due to lack of proper nutrition. This was my wake up call. I was done. I made up my mind. My daughter, my darling daughter, the light of my life, was paying the price of my SM addiction and I wasn’t even aware of it.
Things needed to change. I needed to change. I decided that from now on, my kid will be my priority above everything else. Her happiness, her genuine happiness, not the fake illusions of social media happiness, her true happiness will be my priority. A happiness that is based on authenticity and self worth which comes from unconditional love and support of a parent. This change didn’t happen overnight.
Hope and Healing: A Mother-Daughter Bond Transcending Social Media’s Illusions
It took me a long time to change and the process is still underway. I am a masterpiece in development, if you allow me a bit of self negating humour. But I have learned my lesson, be it at a heavy cost. I still have time to undo some of the damage I did during my days of addiction to social media.
I have made good with my kid. It gives me hope. I see her change for better. I see her, change me for better. We are healing each other. I consider myself lucky. For having an incredibly amazing kid and realising before it’s too late to break free of my social media addiction. I will never be a ‘user’ again. Nor will be my daughter.
